When it comes to relationships, the question of compatibility is always on our minds. Are we truly meant to be with this person? Do they share our values, our sense of humor, our love for adventure? The answers can’t be found in a simple yes or no, but rather through careful consideration and self-reflection.

1. What are your non-negotiables?

The first step in determining compatibility is to identify what you cannot compromise on. This may include things like honesty, trust, or respect for one another’s individuality. If your partner consistently fails to meet these expectations, it may be a sign that the relationship is not compatible.

Example

Sarah and her boyfriend, Alex, have been together for three years. However, Sarah has always emphasized the importance of honesty in their relationship. Unfortunately, Alex has shown a tendency to withhold information from Sarah when he feels it will hurt her feelings. Despite numerous conversations about this issue, Alex continues to struggle with being truthful.

In this case, Sarah must decide whether she is willing to compromise on this fundamental value or end the relationship. If she chooses to stay in the relationship and ignore her non-negotiables, she may find herself feeling resentful and unhappy over time.

2. How do you handle conflict?

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. The way you handle it can reveal a lot about your compatibility with your partner. Do you both tend to avoid discussing issues or do you work through them together? Are there underlying patterns of behavior that contribute to the conflict, such as passive-aggressiveness or defensiveness?

Example

Tom and his girlfriend, Emily, have been having trouble communicating effectively in their relationship. When they disagree on something, Tom tends to become defensive, while Emily becomes withdrawn. They both know this is an issue, but neither has made a conscious effort to change their behavior.

In this case, it may be helpful for them to seek couples therapy or engage in regular conflict resolution exercises to improve their communication skills. If they are unwilling to work on this aspect of their relationship, it could indicate that they are not compatible.

3. What is your idea of a ‘perfect’ partner?

Each person has their own unique set of qualities and characteristics that they find attractive in a partner. It’s important to recognize what these are and whether or not your partner shares them.

Example

James and his girlfriend, Rachel, have been together for five years. James always thought he wanted someone who was independent and self-sufficient, but as he has grown closer to Rachel, he realizes that she is actually quite needy and clingy. This realization forces him to question whether he truly wants a partner like this.

In this case, James must decide whether his initial preferences were based on fantasy or reality. If they were based on reality, it may indicate that he is not compatible with Rachel.

4. How do you handle intimacy?

Intimacy can take many forms in a relationship, from physical affection to emotional connection. Do you both feel comfortable expressing your desires and needs? Are there any underlying issues or fears that prevent you from being intimate?

Example

Mike and his girlfriend, Lily, have been having trouble connecting on an intimate level. Mike feels like he is always initiating intimacy, while Lily seems disinterested. When they do engage in physical intimacy, it often feels forced or uncomfortable.

In this case, it may be helpful for them to communicate more openly about their desires and needs. If they are unable to work through these issues, it could indicate that they are not compatible.

5. What is your idea of a ‘perfect’ relationship?

Each person has their own unique set of expectations when it comes to their relationship. It’s important to recognize what these are and whether or not your partner shares them.

Example

Lily and her boyfriend, Mike, have been having trouble agreeing on how to spend their free time together. Lily wants to go out with friends every weekend, while Mike prefers to stay home and watch movies. They both know that this is an issue, but neither has made a conscious effort to compromise.

In this case, it may be helpful for them to engage in open communication about their expectations and desires. If they are unable to work through these issues, it could indicate that they are not compatible.

6. How do you handle jealousy?

Jealousy can be a complex emotion in relationships. Do you both tend to become overly possessive or do you trust each other fully? Are there underlying insecurities or fears that contribute to your jealousy?

Example

Sarah and her boyfriend, Alex, have been having trouble with jealousy in their relationship. Sarah tends to become overly possessive when she feels like Alex is spending too much time with his female friends. Alex becomes defensive and withdrawn.

In this case, it may be helpful for them to engage in open communication about their feelings and insecurities. If they are unable to work through these issues, it could indicate that they are not compatible.

7. What is your idea of a ‘perfect’ future together?

Each person has their own unique set of expectations when it comes to their relationship. It’s important to recognize what these are and whether or not your partner shares them.

Example

James and his girlfriend, Rachel, have been having trouble agreeing on their long-term goals. James wants to start a family, while Rachel is unsure if she wants children at all. They both know that this is an issue, but neither has made a conscious effort to compromise.

In this case, it may be helpful for them to engage in open communication about their expectations and desires. If they are unable to work through these issues, it could indicate that they are not compatible.

Conclusion

Determining compatibility in a relationship can be a complex and challenging task. It requires careful consideration of non-negotiables, conflict resolution skills, intimacy, jealousy, and long-term goals. By asking yourself these seven questions, you can gain a deeper understanding of whether or not your partner is truly compatible with you.